Somewhere Along in the Bitterness
by Kla1987
Summary: Danny's long gone and Lacey is dealing with the fallout of their relationship on her own... can anyone save her from herself? One-shot, rated T for coarse language and mentions of suicide - reviews are love!


**AN - Hey guys! This is a depressing little one-shot that I came up with this week while sitting with my grand-dad in the hospital. It's a little different than my other fics because it's written in free-form, stream of consciousness for most of it... so if you don't get the formatting, that's why. This one kind of helped me get my writing mojo back, and so I plan on re-posting "Dangerous" tomorrow with another chapter for those of you who asked about it. I've also got another fic idea floating around in my head - would you guys like me to write/post them simultaneously, or would you rather I finished Dangerous before starting something else? Your call.**

**Also, I wanted to thank everyone who sent me a message of support for my Papa. He's out of the hospital as of today and has made some great improvements since I updated you guys last weekend. I appreciate the love and support - you guys rock! :)**

**Anyway, let me know what you think about this one, and look for my other stuff soon!**

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Somewhere Along in the Bitterness

You sit on top of the concrete wall, peering over into the inky blackness that is the water below. You close your eyes as the cold wind cuts through you, imagining what the end will feel like. Will it hurt? Will you drown? Or will your body hitting the choppy, icy water from this height offer enough momentum to break you on impact? Maybe you'll have a heart attack on the way down and you'll die long before you actually hit the water…

"_I have already died long before I hit the water_," you think to yourself, laughing sardonically. And it's true. You died months ago, the night it all happened, the night he left you to face everything on your own. Sure, you understood in some abstract way that his leaving was an act of self-preservation. You weren't even all that surprised - he always could be counted on for choosing flight over fight. And it isn't as if, had he stayed, he would have been able to be there for you anyway. The fake murder weapon, his father miraculously returning from the dead… yeah his life was already a complete clusterfuck without adding you and your drama to the mix. Maybe he'd had the right idea – walking away. He'd managed to find his own way of escaping the hell that had become your lives – now tonight, if you're brave enough, you'll find yours, too.

It's been eight months since the last time anyone has seen him. You know he's alive – you used to check in with his mom every now and then and, even though she never told you where he was, she always at least let you know that he's alright. And for awhile that was enough. For a while you were just glad to know that he was out there somewhere, living and breathing and being his beautiful, fucked-up self.

But then the days turned to weeks turned to months and he still hadn't come back. His dad somehow provided enough information to the police to remove suspicion from him, but he still hadn't returned. And for some reason that hurt more. Now every day that passed without him just made you more and more angry. You imagined him and his escape and his smile and you resented him for all of it. It wasn't fair that he got to have the happy and care free existence away from this place while you lived every day as the "socio-slut". It was one thing for the kids at school to say those things about you – you could handle that, handle them. You knew you were better than them anyway – you always have been. You could even handle the catty WASPs at the grocery store whispering about you while you were looking for the parmesan cheese for tonight's dinner, and the bag boy who didn't even go to your school, but who couldn't resist asking if you were "_the one_" as he helped your mom put the bags into the car. You could handle being a pariah. Sure, it sucked, but it wasn't the end of the world.

But the way your mom looks at you now? The way she stares at you with something that is a mixture of both pity and disgust, the way she doesn't even seem to know who you are anymore? The way she talks about sending you to "spend some time" with your dad in Seattle because "a change of scenery will be good for you" but really what she means is she wants to get you away from her and Clara? That – that is more than you can handle.

And so you're here, on top of this dam, trying to muster up the courage to make that step. It should be easy, right? You've long since stopped caring about your life, long since stopped trying to repair the pieces of everything that is broken in your world. The months of isolation have numbed you to the grief that you should be feeling right now. You laugh again as you remember a time with him in your bedroom when you told him "it gets better". How funny that you would quote cheesy anti-bullying PSAs to him, back when you were on top of the world. Even more funny is that you were right – for him it did get better. For you? Not so much…

You're so lost in the reverie within your mind that you don't hear him approaching you from behind. It isn't until you hear his voice and feel his hand take hold of your arm that you even realize he's there. You turn, jerking slightly and losing your balance, surprised by the intrusion. It happens so quickly that you don't even have time to realize how absurd it is that a girl sitting atop a dam contemplating suicide would be afraid of an abductor approaching her because "he might kill me". But it isn't an abductor, isn't even a stranger, and the fact that you know him makes it even more confusing and troubling that he's here. How did he find you? How did he know to look for you? And why is he here? All of those thoughts are travelling through your mind in quick succession as you study each other, your eyes looking into his warily, his just looking sad.

"What are you doing here, Lace?" He asks and your mind goes blank. You're not sure if it's his voice or his scent or the fact that he's using his favorite moniker for you but suddenly it's all too much. He can't be here. He can't do this to you now. He's been gone for eight months and you have finally come to terms with what you're planning to do and he will not ruin this. He will not win – not tonight.

So you just look at him defiantly, refusing to speak lest your voice give you away. Because the truth is you aren't sure. Your life sucks and you don't want to do it anymore but… you aren't sure that you can really go through with this. And you know you need to, you know that, regardless of what the counselors and PSAs say, it isn't going to get better… at least not any time soon. The only way for it to get better is for you to stop the hurting, and the only way to stop the hurting is to stop living… that's the best you can do for yourself.

But he's here and he's trying to talk you down and you don't know if you feel more love or bitterness toward him. The emotions you've kept in check for so long are welling up inside of you and all he did was ask one fucking question and it's already too much and you really can't handle this…

"Lace," he starts again, reaching for your hand, pulling you in. You know what's happening and you're not willing to go there with him tonight – he will not win tonight.

"Don't," you say, ripping your hands away from him savagely. "Don't touch me."

He's hurt and confused and he doesn't understand why you're pulling away from him. He thinks he's being noble, trying to help you, but you don't want his help, you don't need his help anymore.

"Don't look at me like that, Danny. Why are you here? What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see you, Lacey… I missed you and I… and then I found out how bad you were and what you were planning and I had to stop you – please don't do this… I love you." He says it and the look in his eyes is so sincere that you are almost tempted to believe him… almost. But then you remember that he doesn't love you, couldn't love you, because…

"You don't get to say that to me now, Danny." You spit, letting him feel the fullness of your fury. "You don't get to abandon me for months, leave me here to face all of this shit on my own, and then come back and save the day with a kiss and an 'Iloveyou'. This is not a fucking fairy-tale, I am not your princess, and you can't save me."

"Lace," he starts again, taken aback, but you cut him off before he has a chance to start talking because you know that if you don't he will weave a seductive web of lies and pull you back in.

"No, Danny, just stop. I am not your 'Lace' anymore - that girl died eight months ago, when you left her and never looked back. Do you know how hard all of this has been for me? Do you have any idea what I have been through the last eight months? I get called names everywhere I go - no one talks to me, they just talk about me. My mom won't even look at me anymore, and Clara told her best friend that she wishes she had a better big sister. She's sending me away, Danny. My mom is sending me all the way to other side of the country because she can't stand to be the mother of the 'socio-slut' anymore."

He looks stricken as you take a breath before continuing, "And you – you left me here to deal with this all by myself, and you haven't even bothered to check on me once. You abandoned me- AGAIN… God, I am so fucking stupid. This is exactly the reason that I resisted getting involved with you in the first place! You've already destroyed my life once, and what did I do? Let you back in so that you could destroy me all over again. You've destroyed me, Danny…"

Your words trail off into tears as you break down in front of him. You hate yourself for how weak you are, but you can't help it. He always does that to you. You wonder idly if this is what it means to love someone – does love always hurt like this? Is it always just a little bit pleasure followed by more pain than should be allowed? It was for your mom… maybe this is just how it is. Fuck this – if that's true, you don't want any of it.

But suddenly he's there and his arms are around you and as much as you hate yourself for it, you don't push him away. Because this hug, this small display of affection is the first time anyone has touched you in eight months, the first time anyone has made you feel anything besides excruciating pain. In his arms you begin to think that maybe things will get better, that maybe things will be alright… maybe.

And then, as if sensing somehow that your defenses are down, he begins talking, begins bringing you back into him.

"Lacey I came back tonight because I needed to see you, needed to be close to you. I needed to make you understand that I didn't abandon you on purpose… that things happened with my dad and I couldn't be around for awhile… it wasn't safe. But I checked on you – I watched and worried and prayed that you were okay without me. I hate that you had to go through all of those things on your own, and I hate that I couldn't man up enough to take care of you. But you've gotta know that I would never leave you willingly. Mom read me the letter you left for me yesterday and I just couldn't stay away anymore. You sounded so angry and alone, and I couldn't stand letting you go on thinking that I didn't care enough about you to stick around. Regardless of what happened between us, Lacey, you have to know that you are so important to me… I love you more than anything else in my life. I just wanted you to be happy…"

He goes on talking and you're listening, but you don't trust it. You can't trust it because you know this is what he does. He pulls you in and makes you believe, believe in him and all his pretty lies and then, once you're good a comfortable, he goes and breaks your heart all over again. You're not even sure if you have a heart to break this time, and so you push yourself away from him and climb back on top of the wall.

"Stay away from me, Danny. You don't get to swoop in and make everything okay. I'm not staying here and living this way anymore. I cannot do this for one more day. And I'm not going to live with my dad in Seattle, either. I'm ending this on my own terms."

You turn back toward the water, taking a deep breath and readying yourself once again to jump. But just as you get ready to step off the edge, he says the worst possible thing he could say at that moment.

"So come stay with me."

You turn your head, looking at him strangely. Did he really just say that? He's getting desperate, this one. For someone who has actually caused the death of someone before, he sure is skittish about the prospect of watching you die. "_Hmm_…" you think to yourself, "_maybe he really does love me."_

The hesitation is all the opportunity he needs. "I'm serious, Lace. You don't have to stay here and keep going through this shit and you don't have to exile yourself on the other side of the country. You can come stay with me upstate until you figure out what you want to do. Because I know you're not sure. If you were sure, you would have jumped by now, but the fact that you're still standing there, hyping yourself up and talking yourself into taking that step tells me that you aren't ready to end your life yet. So let me do this for you. Let me save you this time instead of breaking you…"

He stands there, hand outstretched, reaching for you. You stare at it curiously for a long moment, absorbing what he's said, trying to decide what to do.

The thing about Danny is, he knows you almost better than you know yourself. He calls you on your feelings because he can always tell just what you're thinking. And as usual, he's right. You aren't ready to die… you just aren't sure how to live anymore. But something in his voice makes you feel like maybe it's worth it to try one more time. You give in to him because, even though he's the one that always breaks you, he's also the only one who knows how to put the pieces back together.

So instead of taking that step into oblivion, you opt to take his hand instead, and with it, you take a step in a different direction. You step into the possibilities of what your life has in store for you now. It isn't going to be pretty or perfect, and you have no idea how it's all going to work out, but right now you have the one thing you've been missing for all these months in his absence.

For the first time in a long time, you have hope.


End file.
